I've done nothing for the past five hours or so. Played the guitar a little, played a few games, checked my facebook, spent some time on 9gag. I'm passively watching my life roll by me. The more I think of it the more I realise I'm wasting my time... yet somehow I can't manage to stop myself from doing these things. All I look forward to is going to the gym to get fit and look attractive. Is this my only objective in life?
Absolutely not.
There're so many things I want to do.
I want to become a musician, a songwriter and producer.
I want to travel and visit new places.
I want to try out new sports.
I want to become a writer.
I want to excel in all those things... but here I am. I've spent the last five hours in my room doing absolutely nothing. The thought of it sickens me and yet deep inside it's like I don't give a fuck. What is this contradiction? What does it mean?
Am I just a lazy guy? Am I doomed to fail?
I want to change this and at the same time I don't want to.
I don't want to work hard.
I never have.
I've relied too much on my innate capabilities. I don't mean to boast, I'm just stating what I've observed over the course of my short life. I'm a lucky person.
And yet somehow I can't manage to realize that all this potential I have is going to waste if I don't do something about it. It seems i'm happy being mediocre. How can I make myself work harder? How can I change a life of being lazy and become a hardworking person? I'm studying but I'm not motivated by it. I like what I'm doing but it's not interesting.
It's not something cool.
And I think the problem is, my main motivation in life is to be acknowledged by my peers. I want them to tell me how good I am, how beautiful, how fit and how smart I am. I live my life through other people and it's just stupid. I know it is.
And yet I just can't seem to be able to change.
